Pursuing the Wrong Kind of Quiet

This week the Lord put a few conversations in my path that have caused me to stop and reflect on a core value in my life.  While I’m not totally through this process or conversation internally, I want to pose the same question to you because I think the mistake I made is an easy one, especially so for Christians.

About a year and a half ago, I entered a season of intentionally reading my Bible more in pursuit of more practical godly wisdom.  Instead of just reading, I chose to write out Scripture in a notebook so I would remember it better.  In the course of a few months, I wrote out several whole books of the Bible, starting with Proverbs, then the books of 1 & 2 Peter, then 1 & 2 Thessalonians, then Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, and Colossians and a whole host of Psalms.  But one of the phrases that has stuck with me from that time of study has been 1 Thessalonians 4:11-12.  It reads:

               “Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody.”

I took that passage at total face value and internalized: I must not bother anyone.  Live quietly – just do your own thing in the corner of the Kingdom God has afforded you and when opportunities come, talk about how Jesus is to credit for it all.  It’s okay to be behind the scenes.  I’m not made for the front row.

Friends, I LOVE the idea of a quiet life.  For someone whose red hair made her the unwanted center of attention as a child on the playground and later as a white girl in a brown country, the encouragement to “lead a quiet life” essentially puts into words what I was already striving to do: hide and stay small so as not to draw unwanted attention or rock the boat.  It’s a very comfortable ideology to embrace… and up until recently, I was earning a gold star for living a quiet (read: boring) life.

But then, a few months ago, the Lord started unsettling this quiet little nested life of mine.  More than a few people floated phrases my way that caught my ear:

You have so much potential.  You’re going to do something incredible someday, I just know it.

You’re too talented to do a job like this [data management].

You have a unique perspective – I wish more people could hear your insights.

God is definitely up to something in your life and I think you need to keep chasing it, even if it’s uncomfortable.

Huh… Weird.  I don’t necessarily see myself that way.  But this week, the Lord challenged me to test what's being said and to ask, "Am I really supposed to stay behind-the-scenes all the time?"

I really like my quiet little life!  All I was hoping for was maybe a God-fearing, ruggedly handsome man to notice me and do something about it so I’d finally have someone to cook for! 😊  It isn’t much, really.  I’m pretty content most days in the daily routine.  Hear me: I like my life.  Life is good.

But those little reminders just kept coming and opportunities to move forward have come out of nowhere.  I was recently promoted and moved departments at work into a job title I probably would’ve never sought myself, but so far, I love the work.  Relationally, there have been more random “back door” friendships in the last 6 months than in the last decade.  (By back door, I mean friends I never saw coming or thought had left a while ago, and now they’re here!)  And in my prayer time, the Lord consistently pushes me to expand my faith in His unseen and unfolding plans, in His goodness, and in His ability to make impossible things happen for His glory.  All the while, I’ve been able to stand and marvel at the twists and turns that He alone has made straight.  It is such a sweet season.

So in one of the conversations this week, the topic of value came up.  Where do I find my identity or my personal sense of value?  For many people, to answer the question “Who are you?” will reveal much about what you value about yourself.  One may say something like, “I am Suzanne: a wife, a mother, a lawyer.” These would indicate the titles Suzanne holds but also her primary sources of identity.  For me it would read, “I am Jacque.  A child of the Most High God, a woman of many skills and talents, a lover of structure and coffee and deep friendships, and a millennial wrestling with how to honor God as a strong and single woman in her 30's.

Okay, that’s kind of wordy… but you see my heart, yeah?  Good.

The Lord called Checkmate on that last one: singleness.  Why is that such a huge part of my identity right now?  No marital status is better than another.  It’s how we handle it that matters.  Who honors God more: the single person who lives obediently and has to admit they’re lonely or the married folks who are growing bitter toward each other and God?  Honor is rooted in the heart and out of our heart’s motivations, we act.

This week the Lord showed me that, while it is biblical to want to lead a quiet life, it’s also entirely possible to sin while following a biblical instruction.  Let me explain.  It’s not wrong for me to want to live a life that’s not in the spotlight.  But each of us has to know what “quiet” means for us personally.  If I'm honest, a quiet life by my own definition included a spouse, no debt, and a couple of kids to raise in a quiet neighborhood where we would do ordinary things like go to sports practices and church and birthday parties.  That was the goal.  So how do we get to the goal?  Start at the beginning: find a spouse.  Here’s where it gets messy.  It’s also not wrong or sinful to want a spouse or to recognize you’ve not been given the gift of singleness or celibacy.  But it’s not okay to want to find a spouse just to make my life fit my definition of “quiet.”  I would only be using a man to achieve a goal – and that’s a pretty terrible reason to enter into a life-long covenant with someone.  People are not pawns in the chessboard of life; society tends to frown on those who live with such a mindset.

I realized my quest for quietness had actually lead me to objectify and want a husband for unhealthy reasons.  Jesus benched me for that one this week and I earned it.  I had to ask, “Why do I want to get rid of the title ‘single’ so badly?”  Straight up: it’s been more than a decade of adulthood as a single (the only thing in 12 years to not change!), it’s not easy, I know I’m not wired for it, and (most of all…) it exposes how much I need other people in my life.  This goes against the advice of 1 Thessalonians 4:12 – don’t be dependent on anyone.  The thesis then became: I can’t live a quiet life without a spouse.  And while it feels absurd to type that, there are many places feed us the lie that to be single is to be one-legged in a two-legged world: you’re simply not complete.  I bought that lie and was looking for my other leg.  It was logical, but not entirely true: you are valuable to God because you are created in His image.

After reading this, I pulled out my BSF homework and the passage it had us read was 1 Peter 3.  Verse 4 jumped off the page:

"Instead, [your beauty] should be that of the inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit which is of great worth in God’s sight.”

I realize that contextually this passage is speaking to wives, but the point stands: when you’re antsy in your heart about something, the Lord sees it and knows you’re not fully trusting Him.  It’s awfully hard to sit still and run at the same time.  In my effort to lead a quiet life, my heart began to chase a piece of the puzzle that only served to make my inner self “loud” when what the Lord wanted was for me to find peace in Him alone.

Here’s the reality – this life we live is rarely quiet for long.  I’m not sure of Paul’s intent in writing those words to the Thessalonians, but for me, “quiet” is an excuse to not press into what God has next.  What may be admonishment for some could be unhelpful to others.  There’s a good chance the Lord will make my life loud in the coming years, and honestly, I hope He does.  But unless I learn to rest my value in the title He has given me, Daughter, I will not be able to stand what comes my way.  Had it not been for the checkmate conversations around value this week, I may have mistaken a quiet life for an adequate substitute for a quiet spirit.  They’re simply not the same.  I am choosing to pursue a quiet and gentle spirit.  It doesn’t mean I forsake my personality or convictions, but rather, I surrender my selfish angst to have it all my way in order to say “God is God and I am not.  I trust His path forward.”  

So for you – are you living a quiet life (or striving to)?  Or is your ultimate aim to find the peace that only the presence of God can provide?  What parts of your life are the most meaningful or valued to you?  If God suddenly took them, where would you turn?  Food for thought.