I recently finished reading Lysa Terkeurst's book "The Best Yes." In this real-life book about making better decisions in today's culture, she details hilariously relatable stories and moments that God used to refine her pace of life. I initially started reading it because I'm a recovering perfectionist, and by association, a recovering workaholic (read: people-pleaser). I kept reading it because she had a lot of great things to say past, "Stop over-scheduling yourself." I finished it because I needed the answer to one of the heaviest questions in my life: What is my Best Yes for singleness? What does it look like for a young woman, such as myself, to live a life that is undoubtedly following the Lord, but not in a position to pursue some of my longest-held dreams: marriage and a family?
Disclaimer: at no point in this post will you find the ultimate answer to dating, finding your spouse, or a happy marriage. These are just my reflections from experience. That said, hold your judgement -- we're all learners in the House of God. I'm not proud of some of these experiences, but I share them because there's inherent value in them for me, and hopefully for you.
Remember in math class when your teacher wanted you to learn the material so badly he'd give you chances to re-do your quizzes if you failed? I'm convinced this is my best experience with what John Piper would call "severe mercy" -- I deserve a harsher punishment, but what I got still hurts plenty, thanks. My love life is a bit like this -- I keep getting the same quiz back, but with fewer and fewer red marks and "try again's." The only difference is, at some point, one should be able to hand in the math quiz and go to lunch. Love isn't like that; we never stop loving because our hearts always worship something. I'm kind of glad about that, but when God's schooling me on what I've messed up, it feels the same as failing a math quiz for the hundredth time.
Here's the deal: these hearts we have? They're fragile -- like, not made to endure the stuff this life throws at us. Nobody's heart is that strong -- not even the people with the toughest outer shells. Family and friend issues, financial changes, job loss, illnesses, economic downturns, systemic failures in education, government, and politics...the list is endless (and we didn't even talk about 3rd world countries!) To be totally honest, the political state we're in today and the tension it has caused makes me so uncomfortable, I can only stand to watch the nightly news maybe twice a week. I can't handle too much bad news. Heck, I can hardly handle medium amounts of good news! Our human nature wants consistency and predictability, and let's face it -- life just isn't that way sometimes. The "quiz" is in how we handle what life throws at us, and everyone has a different study guide. Sometimes the plan works, sometimes you end up re-doing your quiz before lunch everyday for a week. I'm not bitter about those math quizzes, really... :)
But in my young adult years, especially in dating, I've got one of those word problems no one quite seems to really know the answer to. If I were a textbook writer, the question at-hand might read "A young woman loves God and gives Him her whole heart. She promises not to chase boys, but to let God bring her together with a suitable leader. When should she get married and how many suitors does it take?" This, friends, is why I'm not down at the lunchroom of married life yet -- it seems like a trick question with an obscure answer like "12 pineapples on Friday." (What?! I didn't even know we were talking about pineapples!?) What freaks me out is that we're getting to the awkward point of the class period where everyone else turned in their quiz, put a ring on it, and didn't get a re-do and I still have no idea what the question is even asking! And no, the answer isn't 3 -- I tried that already. So what do we do? Just write something down!
Actually, no, don't just write something down. As someone who has just "made up her answers" for the last 10 years, I'm telling you, don't just write down a name and number. There's so much more to it than that. Writing down the first answer that comes to mind and thinking, "Good enough!" as you slam down your pencil and hand it in is not setting you up to succeed in marriage. You never figured out the answer because you never really understood the question, muchless the process to find the answer. But because I didn't want to be a perfectionist, I opted for a "good enough" answer in dating several times over... and here we are: re-doing the same quiz.
My "good enough" answer came in the form of several emotional relationships that were never Facebook official. We were close enough to fill the void of loneliness or desire for a significant other, but not brave enough to call it what it was becoming and own the mess of doing life together more each day. (For the record, this is a two-way street. I am guilty on all accounts.) But every time, God orchestrated a moment of assessment, and every time, the answer was "Sorry, try again." And every time, I come back to the same question: How do I do Christian dating right? The same could also be true even in a publicly-known committed relationship -- I mean, break-ups happen, right? Those moments are enough to crush a heart for years. They change something deep inside us, and if we aren't careful, it'll make us bitter when it could make us better. That red letter "F" burns it's image into your mind and without much effort at all, you've convinced yourself this is hopeless. Been there -- no fun.
If working in childcare taught me anything, it's that you should always have two things at an arm's reach: bubbles and band-aids. They're the cure-all for the biggest of little owie's and the grumpiest of attitudes. I'd like to think that I'm not like a toddler. But let's be honest, sometimes, something hurts just a little bit and the dramatic, overreaction is just too quick to catch. As a childcare provider, I gave out bandaids and some hugs and all is well. As teens, we figure out who we can turn to and unload on. As an adult, the options for self-medicating are endless and much more costly than a band-aid. I've seen my generation turn away from leaning on other people in hard times, to leaning on material things: work achievements, Netflix binges, incessant Facebook scrolling, Instagram likes, shopping, ultra-intense workout programs and diets, relationships, sex, hobbies that take up as much time as your job, alcohol and controlled substances, bingeing on our favorite foods, reading trashy books, and partying 'til nothing hurts and everything is funny. But all of those things are just band-aids-- really big band-aids for really big toddlers. Who are we kidding? They don't heal anything. They don't even really take away the pain, they just cover it up until we are strong enough to take a long, hard look at the damage. They're our "good enough" answers for the word problem we couldn't solve. Everybody does it -- we just do it differently. Again, I'm guilty as charged.
But if you've ever worn a large band-aid for more than a couple days, you know what's coming: sooner or later, you have to rip the band-aid off. The longer you wait, the more it seems to become part of your skin and the worse it will hurt. No one likes this part. Spoiler alert: when you're an adult, this part doesn't get easier, whether it's an emotional bandage, or a real one... True story.
So, why can't we just leave it on? I mean, technically, yes, you could just let it sit there and hope it comes off in the tub. For some of life's messes, especially difficult relationship matters, it seems easier to just let it sit and see what happens. That person who said something really mean at work? Maybe she'll get transferred to a different department. Or the relative you just can't seem to gel with at family functions -- I mean, really, how many more reunions do you think we'll have? That person I lost my temper with last week? Oh, I'll just be super nice the next few times I see her. It'll just all go away, right? Wrong. It comes back to that "bitter vs better" idea... These kinds of things don't just get better on their own; they start to breed infection.
In my life as a single woman, I had developed a habit of letting relational patterns just sit with band-aids on, especially with other single guys. It was easier to just take each social interaction one-by-one than it was to really dig into some of the experienced awkwardness (both positive and negative). When the awkwardness led to little hurts, I'd cover it up with a band-aid, a quick, "Oh, that's fine! No big deal! I'm good!" And sometimes I really was -- give grace and move on. Usually pretty harmless.
But sometimes, when the awkwardness was because a really great couple of interactions with a guy led my fragile heart to say, "(Gasp!) He really likes me?" I rarely knew what to do, but something in my heart felt more open and exposed, like a wound... but different. So, I'd treat it like a wound -- put a band-aid on it by leaning into that relationship a little more. I'd find a rhythm of life with him, which is comforting in it's own shallow way. And then, I'd let the band-aid sit. Not long after, I'd find myself feeling uneasy altogether -- like sickness had crept in and I never knew its source. This is when the Great Physician lifts my chin and says, "Hey girl, we gotta clean that thing out or it's just going to get worse. Off with the band-aid." Enter: temper-tantrum. Yep, big ol' toddler, right here. I don't wanna! I always cry at this part.
It hurts to take the band-aid off your heart. It hurts to put boundaries in place. It hurts to clean out the remnants of what looked like a good idea 5 minutes ago. It hurts to let something so sensitive be exposed to the air -- to the looks of other people and their subsequent opinions, to the reaction of "Oh my gosh! What happened!?" I never know how to answer that! Do they really want to know?
But what's the flip side? What will happen if we continue in unhealthy relationships with others? Infection, inflammation, and a greater risk to the rest of your health, all because of one little sore spot. In a dating relationship, continuing along the paths I was walking might've meant accepting that even if I made him a priority, I was still just a choice and being okay with that meant believing that I am unworthy of such affection. It might have meant growing bitter that I hadn't achieved that coveted milestone of marriage. It might have meant an inflamed sense of entitlement toward someone who is not my own. It meant keeping the part of me that God does His best work in (my heart) in such a state of disrepair that it can't even function properly, muchless show-off His goodness. It probably meant that altogether, I'd be less of the greatness He's made me to display. Those are risks I'm not willing to take.
So, much like I stepped away from daycare, I had to step away from this pattern of emotional relationships. I had to give a hard "no" to someone I genuinely cared about but couldn't keep interacting with and injuring both of us. If my heart is ever going to find the one God is saving it for, I need to get to work on healing and retraining it to beat like it should. (And so does he... but that's his job, not mine.) No more band-aids. No more men who act like boys. It hurts to make those changes, but the risk is far too great not to take action.
I write this, not just as encouragement to anyone feeling stuck in a relationship, but also as advice to my own generation. Gentlemen: be your name: gentlemen. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it's difficult. No, you aren't promised that she'll say yes, but you won't know unless you ask her. But please, don't give us ideas you aren't willing to follow through on or do things you'd be embarrassed to be called out on later. Ask the Lord who He is preparing for you -- I bet He knows! :) I promise, whoever she is, she's a winner, so don't waste your time trying everyone else out first -- go to the Source. Sisters: be wise as serpents, harmless as doves, and discerning as a middle school teacher (seriously, one needs SO much discernment to work with that demographic!). Speak your need, hold your boundaries, and trust that being a Daughter of the Most High King is enough. You are beautiful, valuable, and worthy to be pursued. Don't ever let a guy's opinion change that.
Just a few short days ago, my heart was a mess. I'm not totally healed yet, either. Friends, God is the one who takes the broken and makes it beautiful. Life is messy, for sure. God won't take away all the bad things of the world, but He's really good at caring for us if we'll just go see Him for His healing touch.
Disclaimer: at no point in this post will you find the ultimate answer to dating, finding your spouse, or a happy marriage. These are just my reflections from experience. That said, hold your judgement -- we're all learners in the House of God. I'm not proud of some of these experiences, but I share them because there's inherent value in them for me, and hopefully for you.
Remember in math class when your teacher wanted you to learn the material so badly he'd give you chances to re-do your quizzes if you failed? I'm convinced this is my best experience with what John Piper would call "severe mercy" -- I deserve a harsher punishment, but what I got still hurts plenty, thanks. My love life is a bit like this -- I keep getting the same quiz back, but with fewer and fewer red marks and "try again's." The only difference is, at some point, one should be able to hand in the math quiz and go to lunch. Love isn't like that; we never stop loving because our hearts always worship something. I'm kind of glad about that, but when God's schooling me on what I've messed up, it feels the same as failing a math quiz for the hundredth time.
Here's the deal: these hearts we have? They're fragile -- like, not made to endure the stuff this life throws at us. Nobody's heart is that strong -- not even the people with the toughest outer shells. Family and friend issues, financial changes, job loss, illnesses, economic downturns, systemic failures in education, government, and politics...the list is endless (and we didn't even talk about 3rd world countries!) To be totally honest, the political state we're in today and the tension it has caused makes me so uncomfortable, I can only stand to watch the nightly news maybe twice a week. I can't handle too much bad news. Heck, I can hardly handle medium amounts of good news! Our human nature wants consistency and predictability, and let's face it -- life just isn't that way sometimes. The "quiz" is in how we handle what life throws at us, and everyone has a different study guide. Sometimes the plan works, sometimes you end up re-doing your quiz before lunch everyday for a week. I'm not bitter about those math quizzes, really... :)
But in my young adult years, especially in dating, I've got one of those word problems no one quite seems to really know the answer to. If I were a textbook writer, the question at-hand might read "A young woman loves God and gives Him her whole heart. She promises not to chase boys, but to let God bring her together with a suitable leader. When should she get married and how many suitors does it take?" This, friends, is why I'm not down at the lunchroom of married life yet -- it seems like a trick question with an obscure answer like "12 pineapples on Friday." (What?! I didn't even know we were talking about pineapples!?) What freaks me out is that we're getting to the awkward point of the class period where everyone else turned in their quiz, put a ring on it, and didn't get a re-do and I still have no idea what the question is even asking! And no, the answer isn't 3 -- I tried that already. So what do we do? Just write something down!
Actually, no, don't just write something down. As someone who has just "made up her answers" for the last 10 years, I'm telling you, don't just write down a name and number. There's so much more to it than that. Writing down the first answer that comes to mind and thinking, "Good enough!" as you slam down your pencil and hand it in is not setting you up to succeed in marriage. You never figured out the answer because you never really understood the question, muchless the process to find the answer. But because I didn't want to be a perfectionist, I opted for a "good enough" answer in dating several times over... and here we are: re-doing the same quiz.
My "good enough" answer came in the form of several emotional relationships that were never Facebook official. We were close enough to fill the void of loneliness or desire for a significant other, but not brave enough to call it what it was becoming and own the mess of doing life together more each day. (For the record, this is a two-way street. I am guilty on all accounts.) But every time, God orchestrated a moment of assessment, and every time, the answer was "Sorry, try again." And every time, I come back to the same question: How do I do Christian dating right? The same could also be true even in a publicly-known committed relationship -- I mean, break-ups happen, right? Those moments are enough to crush a heart for years. They change something deep inside us, and if we aren't careful, it'll make us bitter when it could make us better. That red letter "F" burns it's image into your mind and without much effort at all, you've convinced yourself this is hopeless. Been there -- no fun.
If working in childcare taught me anything, it's that you should always have two things at an arm's reach: bubbles and band-aids. They're the cure-all for the biggest of little owie's and the grumpiest of attitudes. I'd like to think that I'm not like a toddler. But let's be honest, sometimes, something hurts just a little bit and the dramatic, overreaction is just too quick to catch. As a childcare provider, I gave out bandaids and some hugs and all is well. As teens, we figure out who we can turn to and unload on. As an adult, the options for self-medicating are endless and much more costly than a band-aid. I've seen my generation turn away from leaning on other people in hard times, to leaning on material things: work achievements, Netflix binges, incessant Facebook scrolling, Instagram likes, shopping, ultra-intense workout programs and diets, relationships, sex, hobbies that take up as much time as your job, alcohol and controlled substances, bingeing on our favorite foods, reading trashy books, and partying 'til nothing hurts and everything is funny. But all of those things are just band-aids-- really big band-aids for really big toddlers. Who are we kidding? They don't heal anything. They don't even really take away the pain, they just cover it up until we are strong enough to take a long, hard look at the damage. They're our "good enough" answers for the word problem we couldn't solve. Everybody does it -- we just do it differently. Again, I'm guilty as charged.
But if you've ever worn a large band-aid for more than a couple days, you know what's coming: sooner or later, you have to rip the band-aid off. The longer you wait, the more it seems to become part of your skin and the worse it will hurt. No one likes this part. Spoiler alert: when you're an adult, this part doesn't get easier, whether it's an emotional bandage, or a real one... True story.
So, why can't we just leave it on? I mean, technically, yes, you could just let it sit there and hope it comes off in the tub. For some of life's messes, especially difficult relationship matters, it seems easier to just let it sit and see what happens. That person who said something really mean at work? Maybe she'll get transferred to a different department. Or the relative you just can't seem to gel with at family functions -- I mean, really, how many more reunions do you think we'll have? That person I lost my temper with last week? Oh, I'll just be super nice the next few times I see her. It'll just all go away, right? Wrong. It comes back to that "bitter vs better" idea... These kinds of things don't just get better on their own; they start to breed infection.
In my life as a single woman, I had developed a habit of letting relational patterns just sit with band-aids on, especially with other single guys. It was easier to just take each social interaction one-by-one than it was to really dig into some of the experienced awkwardness (both positive and negative). When the awkwardness led to little hurts, I'd cover it up with a band-aid, a quick, "Oh, that's fine! No big deal! I'm good!" And sometimes I really was -- give grace and move on. Usually pretty harmless.
But sometimes, when the awkwardness was because a really great couple of interactions with a guy led my fragile heart to say, "(Gasp!) He really likes me?" I rarely knew what to do, but something in my heart felt more open and exposed, like a wound... but different. So, I'd treat it like a wound -- put a band-aid on it by leaning into that relationship a little more. I'd find a rhythm of life with him, which is comforting in it's own shallow way. And then, I'd let the band-aid sit. Not long after, I'd find myself feeling uneasy altogether -- like sickness had crept in and I never knew its source. This is when the Great Physician lifts my chin and says, "Hey girl, we gotta clean that thing out or it's just going to get worse. Off with the band-aid." Enter: temper-tantrum. Yep, big ol' toddler, right here. I don't wanna! I always cry at this part.
It hurts to take the band-aid off your heart. It hurts to put boundaries in place. It hurts to clean out the remnants of what looked like a good idea 5 minutes ago. It hurts to let something so sensitive be exposed to the air -- to the looks of other people and their subsequent opinions, to the reaction of "Oh my gosh! What happened!?" I never know how to answer that! Do they really want to know?
But what's the flip side? What will happen if we continue in unhealthy relationships with others? Infection, inflammation, and a greater risk to the rest of your health, all because of one little sore spot. In a dating relationship, continuing along the paths I was walking might've meant accepting that even if I made him a priority, I was still just a choice and being okay with that meant believing that I am unworthy of such affection. It might have meant growing bitter that I hadn't achieved that coveted milestone of marriage. It might have meant an inflamed sense of entitlement toward someone who is not my own. It meant keeping the part of me that God does His best work in (my heart) in such a state of disrepair that it can't even function properly, muchless show-off His goodness. It probably meant that altogether, I'd be less of the greatness He's made me to display. Those are risks I'm not willing to take.
So, much like I stepped away from daycare, I had to step away from this pattern of emotional relationships. I had to give a hard "no" to someone I genuinely cared about but couldn't keep interacting with and injuring both of us. If my heart is ever going to find the one God is saving it for, I need to get to work on healing and retraining it to beat like it should. (And so does he... but that's his job, not mine.) No more band-aids. No more men who act like boys. It hurts to make those changes, but the risk is far too great not to take action.
I write this, not just as encouragement to anyone feeling stuck in a relationship, but also as advice to my own generation. Gentlemen: be your name: gentlemen. Yes, it's scary. Yes, it's difficult. No, you aren't promised that she'll say yes, but you won't know unless you ask her. But please, don't give us ideas you aren't willing to follow through on or do things you'd be embarrassed to be called out on later. Ask the Lord who He is preparing for you -- I bet He knows! :) I promise, whoever she is, she's a winner, so don't waste your time trying everyone else out first -- go to the Source. Sisters: be wise as serpents, harmless as doves, and discerning as a middle school teacher (seriously, one needs SO much discernment to work with that demographic!). Speak your need, hold your boundaries, and trust that being a Daughter of the Most High King is enough. You are beautiful, valuable, and worthy to be pursued. Don't ever let a guy's opinion change that.
Just a few short days ago, my heart was a mess. I'm not totally healed yet, either. Friends, God is the one who takes the broken and makes it beautiful. Life is messy, for sure. God won't take away all the bad things of the world, but He's really good at caring for us if we'll just go see Him for His healing touch.
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