Do you believe that you belong?
I mean, when you look at your life: your social circles, your co-workers, the daily grind that you live -- do you fit in? Or, when you wake up every day, do you constantly think through questions like,
What will so-and-so think?
What if I make this person mad?
Were they just talking about me? Did I do something wrong?
Should I tell so-and-so about this situation or would it hurt our friendship?
I couldn't tell the whole truth -- they'd never welcome me back if they really knew...
Honestly, I've spent more years of my life trying to fit in than I care to admit. I believed lies that said I had to look a certain way, act a certain way, be friends with these people, go to that school, know whose opinion matters, achieve X Y and Z in life... and what I've learned is that this list is endless. There will always be more people to impress, more things to learn, more opinions to honor.
When I was in 5th grade, I remember being so sick of being an unpopular kid that I saved money enough to buy a couple shirts of the popular name brand at the time. I thought, "If I could just have the clothes like they do, they will accept me into their circle and I'll have somewhere to stand for recess. I won't stick out anymore and the bullies will leave me alone. I HAVE to have those clothes!" A few weeks later, I had those two coveted name-brand t-shirts and when I wore the first one to school, I'm not joking when I say the cool kids club did double-takes and promptly proceeded to laugh AT me. "Who does she think she is? That shirt is SO not right on her. Red-heads can't wear yellow --ugh, that's ugly." Funny how their words are still there 18 years later... The very thing I thought would finally bring me into community ended up being a source to push me further out. Now, I wasn't just the tall, heavy red-head who's always alone... I was the loser who tried to fit in with an Aeropostale t-shirt crying in her lonely corner on the playground. The shirt went back into my dresser and I never wore it again.
Maybe you can relate... I know my t-shirt story is not unique, but I also know these moments have a way of shaking us up that can alter how we handle their repeats later in life. And in nearly every situation, there's another little carrot dangling in front: "If I could just _____... then it would all be okay."
ALL of it is what Brene Brown would describe as "hustling for our worthiness." When we break down the actions and begin to ask ourselves why we do the things we do, for many of us, self-worth is at least part of the equation in a lot of the big decisions we make in life. Somewhere deep inside, we all want to hear, "Hey, that thing you did was AWESOME. You are so great! Thanks for doing that!" We all love praise and recognition for achievements... but did you catch that second sentence? "YOU ARE so great." It's a qualifier -- it makes a statement about something based on something else. You are great because of your work. You have more worth because I think your achievement was valuable.
Is this true? Are you a great person because of what you've done? Maybe. Then again, the opposite would have to be true too and all of us have made mistakes... so we are both good and bad, right?
But you know what else? You have intrinsic value, even if you've never done anything. You are valuable because you are human, you are a person, you have purpose. You are not a mistake. If you are a Christian (and even if you're not), you are beloved in the eyes of God because He made you in His image and He is good.
Your value as a person is not determined by what you do.
And it's not because of who you are either.
Sometimes we're tempted to think that people who are famous or well-known are better off, or if we just had more money we'd be more valuable, or if our family had different roots or a prestigious or reputable last name, maybe my life would be ___ (insert dream here). But that's an equally false positive. Net worth does not equal self-worth and last names might carry you places, but ultimately, they may not be the places you want to be. Could those things change your life and the trajectory of your story? Likely yes -- but NONE of them speak to your intrinsic value as a human. And if it's a self-worth issue, no external circumstance is going to change that. That's a heart problem, honey.
You have value because you exist. You are a human BEING -- not a human DOING, a human BECOMING, or a human LEGACY. Being human makes you valuable.
So why do we let other people speak this unworthiness into our hearts? Why do we let human preference, opinion, bias, and conflict dictate what we think of ourselves?
Because everybody wants to belong and nobody likes rejection. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US wants and needs (in varying degrees of course) to know that we are connected, valued, and protected within a greater context. Even introverts need other people-- trust me, I am one! I don't recharge my energy by being in large groups, but when life gets tough, isolation never makes it better -- people do -- especially people who will point me back to what God has already said. We are built for connection and community and this is where we experience tangible outpourings of God's love.
All of us want to belong, but I think if we were honest, there's a small part of us that still thinks we'll never fit in or be fully accepted for all of who we are. Or, at the very least, I think we all have ideas about where we would never belong. We say things like "(S)He's out of your league," or "Yeah, that company is pretty high caliber," or "Their lifestyle is above my pay grade." I wonder if we're hyper sensitive to where we don't fit and a little unsure of where we do.
In the last 5 years, I can pin-point a few intersections in my life where people were actually doing a phenomenal job of drawing me into different friendships and social crowds. I've made some really incredible friends in the last five years. But looking back, I think my natural tendency at the start of all of them was to let this little voice inside echo the words, "But how long before they decide you're a b-squad friend? How long until they stop calling just like everyone else has? How long before a problem hits and somebody gets mad and we don't know what to say so we both just walk away? Everyone else has let me go -- why would these guys be any different? Maybe it's not worth the investment." I let past experiences become the lens by which I predicted my future and in doing so, sort of skewed my own willingness to be a good friend out of self-preservation from the perceived impending rejection. I wish it wasn't true, but it is. Maybe you can benefit from my foolishness.
But then, a couple really amazing things happened. I encountered a couple people who beat me at my own game and I don't even think they knew they were doing it. God put a few people in my life about 2 or 3 years ago who all were intentional about building a friendship and asking good, hard, honest questions (and not running when I answered them honestly!) and who did a great job making me feel like I fit in. Actually, the more I think about it, they were never after my feelings -- they had genuinely absorbed me into the friend group. But then the doubt started... and the part of me that was convinced I'd be written off or pushed away for coming closer kicked into overdrive and braced for an even bigger blow-out. I'd been conditioned to wait for the other shoe to drop because it always had before. A few times, in moments of conflict or uncertainty, I intentionally didn't call or text or pursue that relationship just to see if they'd notice and/or respond. And, when they did notice and responded with concern and care, I didn't know what to do -- but it was my move! Until probably 3 years ago, I had no idea how to accept the concept that you can be mad at someone AND still be their friend. We can disagree, but it doesn't have to mean the end of a friendship. In a couple instances, the other party did such a great job of reconciling, that all I could do was apologize and try to make it up to them. Something in me changed because of those friendships: I finally believed that I had something to contribute, that I wouldn't be pushed out or ignored, that my worth was never tied to their opinions about my behavior. Fascinating.
All I'm saying is, I think the places we genuinely believe that we belong could potentially dictate who we become. Read that again: The places you believe you belong could potentially dictate who you become. If you believe you're nothing more than a paper-pushing office person, you'll probably never apply for a job above that capacity. If you think you'll be tossed aside as an optional friend, you might follow my pattern and stay clear of connection altogether out of self-preservation. If, deep down inside, you genuinely believe you'll never be loved by someone romantically, it probably already shows to some degree externally. Until about 2 years ago, I knew the phrase "worthy to be pursued" but I didn't believe it was true about myself. Let me tell you, it's easier to be single and consider potential dates when the foundation is already set: you are worthy to be pursued, so if he's not pursuing, he's not deserving of my heart.
So, what if you believed you belong? What if, even in the hard times, you brought all the facts to the table and didn't let them impact your perceived worth? Could it cause you to reconcile a relationship even if the other person "started it?" Could it challenge you to be the initiator in a new friendship? What if you BECAME the includer of a social group instead of always waiting to be invited?
Can I tell you a secret? I think life is a little easier this way. For me personally, when I am secure in the fact that I have intrinsic value, I live differently -- more freely, less worrisome. Bad days blow over faster, conflicts don't hurt so deeply (because I can choose to only worry about the situation, not my worth in the other person's eyes), and I can see people more holistically. I'll argue that for me, this is only possible because every day I am coming to know the grace and mercy of Jesus a little more. Even on my best days, I am still an imperfect human whom God has created and chosen and my worth (in His eyes) has never been determined by my accomplishments. But I know deep down inside, I am worth something because God said so. I want that for you -- I want you to believe that you belong somewhere that is really good for you. I hope you have people in your life who wrap you into theirs and aren't afraid of the mess. I hope, as humans, we can do a better job every day of recognizing that everybody is valuable, but everybody has messes. Both are true but they have the power to pull us together instead of keeping us apart. Which will you choose?
I mean, when you look at your life: your social circles, your co-workers, the daily grind that you live -- do you fit in? Or, when you wake up every day, do you constantly think through questions like,
What will so-and-so think?
What if I make this person mad?
Were they just talking about me? Did I do something wrong?
Should I tell so-and-so about this situation or would it hurt our friendship?
I couldn't tell the whole truth -- they'd never welcome me back if they really knew...
Honestly, I've spent more years of my life trying to fit in than I care to admit. I believed lies that said I had to look a certain way, act a certain way, be friends with these people, go to that school, know whose opinion matters, achieve X Y and Z in life... and what I've learned is that this list is endless. There will always be more people to impress, more things to learn, more opinions to honor.
When I was in 5th grade, I remember being so sick of being an unpopular kid that I saved money enough to buy a couple shirts of the popular name brand at the time. I thought, "If I could just have the clothes like they do, they will accept me into their circle and I'll have somewhere to stand for recess. I won't stick out anymore and the bullies will leave me alone. I HAVE to have those clothes!" A few weeks later, I had those two coveted name-brand t-shirts and when I wore the first one to school, I'm not joking when I say the cool kids club did double-takes and promptly proceeded to laugh AT me. "Who does she think she is? That shirt is SO not right on her. Red-heads can't wear yellow --ugh, that's ugly." Funny how their words are still there 18 years later... The very thing I thought would finally bring me into community ended up being a source to push me further out. Now, I wasn't just the tall, heavy red-head who's always alone... I was the loser who tried to fit in with an Aeropostale t-shirt crying in her lonely corner on the playground. The shirt went back into my dresser and I never wore it again.
Maybe you can relate... I know my t-shirt story is not unique, but I also know these moments have a way of shaking us up that can alter how we handle their repeats later in life. And in nearly every situation, there's another little carrot dangling in front: "If I could just _____... then it would all be okay."
ALL of it is what Brene Brown would describe as "hustling for our worthiness." When we break down the actions and begin to ask ourselves why we do the things we do, for many of us, self-worth is at least part of the equation in a lot of the big decisions we make in life. Somewhere deep inside, we all want to hear, "Hey, that thing you did was AWESOME. You are so great! Thanks for doing that!" We all love praise and recognition for achievements... but did you catch that second sentence? "YOU ARE so great." It's a qualifier -- it makes a statement about something based on something else. You are great because of your work. You have more worth because I think your achievement was valuable.
Is this true? Are you a great person because of what you've done? Maybe. Then again, the opposite would have to be true too and all of us have made mistakes... so we are both good and bad, right?
But you know what else? You have intrinsic value, even if you've never done anything. You are valuable because you are human, you are a person, you have purpose. You are not a mistake. If you are a Christian (and even if you're not), you are beloved in the eyes of God because He made you in His image and He is good.
Your value as a person is not determined by what you do.
And it's not because of who you are either.
Sometimes we're tempted to think that people who are famous or well-known are better off, or if we just had more money we'd be more valuable, or if our family had different roots or a prestigious or reputable last name, maybe my life would be ___ (insert dream here). But that's an equally false positive. Net worth does not equal self-worth and last names might carry you places, but ultimately, they may not be the places you want to be. Could those things change your life and the trajectory of your story? Likely yes -- but NONE of them speak to your intrinsic value as a human. And if it's a self-worth issue, no external circumstance is going to change that. That's a heart problem, honey.
You have value because you exist. You are a human BEING -- not a human DOING, a human BECOMING, or a human LEGACY. Being human makes you valuable.
So why do we let other people speak this unworthiness into our hearts? Why do we let human preference, opinion, bias, and conflict dictate what we think of ourselves?
Because everybody wants to belong and nobody likes rejection. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US wants and needs (in varying degrees of course) to know that we are connected, valued, and protected within a greater context. Even introverts need other people-- trust me, I am one! I don't recharge my energy by being in large groups, but when life gets tough, isolation never makes it better -- people do -- especially people who will point me back to what God has already said. We are built for connection and community and this is where we experience tangible outpourings of God's love.
All of us want to belong, but I think if we were honest, there's a small part of us that still thinks we'll never fit in or be fully accepted for all of who we are. Or, at the very least, I think we all have ideas about where we would never belong. We say things like "(S)He's out of your league," or "Yeah, that company is pretty high caliber," or "Their lifestyle is above my pay grade." I wonder if we're hyper sensitive to where we don't fit and a little unsure of where we do.
In the last 5 years, I can pin-point a few intersections in my life where people were actually doing a phenomenal job of drawing me into different friendships and social crowds. I've made some really incredible friends in the last five years. But looking back, I think my natural tendency at the start of all of them was to let this little voice inside echo the words, "But how long before they decide you're a b-squad friend? How long until they stop calling just like everyone else has? How long before a problem hits and somebody gets mad and we don't know what to say so we both just walk away? Everyone else has let me go -- why would these guys be any different? Maybe it's not worth the investment." I let past experiences become the lens by which I predicted my future and in doing so, sort of skewed my own willingness to be a good friend out of self-preservation from the perceived impending rejection. I wish it wasn't true, but it is. Maybe you can benefit from my foolishness.
But then, a couple really amazing things happened. I encountered a couple people who beat me at my own game and I don't even think they knew they were doing it. God put a few people in my life about 2 or 3 years ago who all were intentional about building a friendship and asking good, hard, honest questions (and not running when I answered them honestly!) and who did a great job making me feel like I fit in. Actually, the more I think about it, they were never after my feelings -- they had genuinely absorbed me into the friend group. But then the doubt started... and the part of me that was convinced I'd be written off or pushed away for coming closer kicked into overdrive and braced for an even bigger blow-out. I'd been conditioned to wait for the other shoe to drop because it always had before. A few times, in moments of conflict or uncertainty, I intentionally didn't call or text or pursue that relationship just to see if they'd notice and/or respond. And, when they did notice and responded with concern and care, I didn't know what to do -- but it was my move! Until probably 3 years ago, I had no idea how to accept the concept that you can be mad at someone AND still be their friend. We can disagree, but it doesn't have to mean the end of a friendship. In a couple instances, the other party did such a great job of reconciling, that all I could do was apologize and try to make it up to them. Something in me changed because of those friendships: I finally believed that I had something to contribute, that I wouldn't be pushed out or ignored, that my worth was never tied to their opinions about my behavior. Fascinating.
All I'm saying is, I think the places we genuinely believe that we belong could potentially dictate who we become. Read that again: The places you believe you belong could potentially dictate who you become. If you believe you're nothing more than a paper-pushing office person, you'll probably never apply for a job above that capacity. If you think you'll be tossed aside as an optional friend, you might follow my pattern and stay clear of connection altogether out of self-preservation. If, deep down inside, you genuinely believe you'll never be loved by someone romantically, it probably already shows to some degree externally. Until about 2 years ago, I knew the phrase "worthy to be pursued" but I didn't believe it was true about myself. Let me tell you, it's easier to be single and consider potential dates when the foundation is already set: you are worthy to be pursued, so if he's not pursuing, he's not deserving of my heart.
So, what if you believed you belong? What if, even in the hard times, you brought all the facts to the table and didn't let them impact your perceived worth? Could it cause you to reconcile a relationship even if the other person "started it?" Could it challenge you to be the initiator in a new friendship? What if you BECAME the includer of a social group instead of always waiting to be invited?
Can I tell you a secret? I think life is a little easier this way. For me personally, when I am secure in the fact that I have intrinsic value, I live differently -- more freely, less worrisome. Bad days blow over faster, conflicts don't hurt so deeply (because I can choose to only worry about the situation, not my worth in the other person's eyes), and I can see people more holistically. I'll argue that for me, this is only possible because every day I am coming to know the grace and mercy of Jesus a little more. Even on my best days, I am still an imperfect human whom God has created and chosen and my worth (in His eyes) has never been determined by my accomplishments. But I know deep down inside, I am worth something because God said so. I want that for you -- I want you to believe that you belong somewhere that is really good for you. I hope you have people in your life who wrap you into theirs and aren't afraid of the mess. I hope, as humans, we can do a better job every day of recognizing that everybody is valuable, but everybody has messes. Both are true but they have the power to pull us together instead of keeping us apart. Which will you choose?
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