In part 3, I'd like to wrap this up by talking about loneliness and longing. (If you missed Part 1 or Part 2, click the underlined text.) When we recognize that we're experiencing loneliness, it can be really tempting to try and fill it with something just to make the awkwardness go away. But if we just pacify it, we won't grow. We need to understand why we long for peace or comfort in the first place.
Right about now, we're all beginning to wonder when quarantine will actually end. The predictions are all over the map and the truth is, no one really knows. All that's certain right now is... uncertainty. Well, and, I think it's safe to say most people are craving a return to normal.
But, what is normal?
And, is that really what you want?
I know each of you can quickly generate a picture of your "normal," and while I'm sure it's fantastic, I just want to think through the longings of our hearts with a biblical lens. Here are some questions to help our minds get going:
--Is normal the same for you as it is for your neighbor?
--How about your co-worker? And another coworker? How about your boss?
--Is normal the same for you as it was 10 years ago? Or 15? or 30?
--If you have children at home with you, did their world change as drastically as yours?
See, normal is just what we're familiar with... And I don't know about you, but my life hasn't stayed the same for longer than a few years at a time lately, so "normal" shifted with every life change. It's only in the world of statistics and sociology that we have a more set definition of what normal is, but even there, the range is pretty wide and is open to interpretation. So, in a sense, normal isn't even a real thing -- it's just how we're looking at something or it's a pattern we've come to expect.
Let's go one level deeper: why do you want "normal" back?
To be clear, I'm not out to convict anybody of wrongdoing. These are all things I've had to process lately too, but honestly, quarantine didn't shake my normal as much as it shook some of my friends. My processing happened when I lived abroad. Talk about a fast lifestyle change...
Maybe your normal just had a really healthy rhythm to it that was working for all parties involved. There's something very satisfying about being able to accurately repeat a pattern without interruption -- it usually yields high productivity and reward. Maybe you're a social butterfly and this new normal of social distancing is pure torture. It's not wrong to recognize that this pattern doesn't work long-term for your wiring. But it's still your normal today, ergo, the longing is just another annoyance... Maybe you want normal because you knew what to expect, even if it was less-than-perfect. Perhaps you didn't love your job, but recent events have left you without one. Even a crappy job is better than no income in a global crisis. Or maybe, just maybe, there's a few of us longing for normal because we just want to feel in-control.
I'd say the top statement I've heard in my circles this season has been, "I like to be in-charge. I want to know what's happening. I like to be in control... and I'm not in-charge on this one." I can relate.
But, let's step even one layer deeper. What are you looking for in control? What does being in-control bring you? I actually just studied about this for biblical counseling training and it comes down to four or five primary things:
1) Safety and/or security
2) Pleasure or comfort
3) Peace
4) Power -- this is vast: knowing you're right, being the leader, having control of situations, etc
5) Praise from others
It's critical that we identify what we're looking for in our hearts that we're hoping control will give us. If we don't know what's happening in our hearts, it's pretty impossible to understand why we live our lives like we do. You'll notice that none of the things on the above list are inherently sinful or wrong. All of them are God-given and all of them are celebrated in different contexts (some more than others). But as with most things, there are two sides to the coin. Each of these things possess an ability to deeply impact the human soul and when used rightly, they're good for us. If we had to boil the question "What makes a human thrive?" down to just three answers, it would be these: We need to know we belong, we need to have purpose, and we need rest (Christians will say, we need Christ who gives us peace with God). All 5 of those things are rooted in belonging, purpose, or rest. That sounds beautiful!
But then you have to consider the dark side of each. Every one of those things can have a bad if not traumatic impact if used wrongly or against someone instead of for the greater good. For example, it's good and God-honoring to recognize if you've been given leadership skills, but if we use that opportunity to exploit people or we only want to exercise power to prove to ourselves that we're "enough," this is toxic. Similarly, humans need physical interactions -- the huggers among us will be quick to agree. The hardest part about quarantine is not being allowed to hug people you genuinely care for. Babies who don't get enough contact in their early days actually develop slower than babies who are snuggled a lot. But all one has to do is turn on the news and story after story floods our feed of physical touch that's been grossly abused for selfish (temporary) gain. If we don't acknowledge the deeper need and instead we use or abuse others to fill it, we set up a cycle that will never satisfy and will only further destruct.
I think that's why quarantine life so hard for us -- all three have been up-ended overnight. We know we belong to people outside of our homes, but we can't see them. In mere weeks, our "purpose" has had to adapt to a wild new reality that is anything but predictable. This is draining us of our rest. UNLESS... you know Christ and the peace that only He can bring.
When I experienced more intense bouts of loneliness, it became evident that even if I had one or two more friends or a relationship, there's still some part of me that wouldn't feel satisfied. I'm convinced the same is true with Covid quarantine. Having control of your situation will not satisfy you in the way you think it will. It will only cover the hole in your heart God has allowed to be exposed. Having more financial security can bring some comfort or control... but Jesus was quick to warn the rich young ruler about the cost of following Jesus. In circumstances like today's, having the power to change millions of people's lives sounds exhilarating... until you remember that with great power comes great responsibility that very well may mean life and death for some. It's never the pure thrill we think it will be.
What's the point?
All of our longings are God-given, and they're meant to point us somewhere WAY beyond ourselves. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but there's nothing on this side of Heaven that will satisfy your longings aside from a personal relationship with Jesus. And the presence of Jesus now is only an appetizer for the greatness of God in Heaven. But for now, His peace is enough.
So what does that practically look like? How do I actually handle moments of loneliness, vulnerability, and uncertainty? For me, I've had to choose to mentally and emotionally drop my guard in prayer. I've had to learn to speak what I feel, why I feel it, and what I want directly to God. And then, I've had to learn to listen and rest. I sometimes picture prayer like a kid I knew who used to crawl up on his mom's lap and wait for her to throw the extra fabric of her cardigan sweater around his skinny little frame. The mom rarely stopped her conversation or made a big deal out of his entrance -- she just wrapped him up and usually smooched his head and then collectively, they take a deep breath and calm settles on them both.
It doesn't make the problem go away. It doesn't abdicate responsibility. It doesn't set-up a power play. It just says, "I need a minute because I'm not okay. Can I sit with you?" Jesus' answer is always yes.
You can ALWAYS come sit with Jesus. He, like my friend, has robes of righteousness ready for anyone who will say, "I'm not okay, but Jesus is. I don't want a normal life. I need Your peace and I'll do anything God says to get it." He will cover your anxiety with grace. He'll meet your needs with mercy. And then, if there's work to be done, He'll send you on your way, knowing that it won't be long before another crisis of the heart hits. Come back whenever you need. He'll be here until the second-coming, at which point, those who know Him will get to be with Him forever.
I don't know about you, but I don't want normal.
I long for Heaven.
But as long as Heaven is not my today, I will choose to spend time wrapped in God's love and peace.
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